At some point in our career, we’ll face a difficult conversation. Whether it’s giving feedback to a colleague, addressing a sensitive issue with a team member, or navigating a conflict with a boss, these conversations can stir up strong emotions. The challenge often lies not in the conversation itself, but in how to manage those emotions so we don’t say something we’ll regret. Effectively managing emotions is key to maintaining productive, respectful relationships, fostering a healthy work environment, and ensuring the conversation has a positive outcome.
In this article, we’ll explore six strategies for managing emotions during difficult conversations, drawing from our Managing Emotions with Empathy training. This training helps individuals build emotional intelligence, creating a culture where tough conversations are handled with care and understanding.
Emotions can significantly impact how we communicate. When we’re feeling defensive, upset, or overwhelmed, our ability to listen, think clearly, and respond thoughtfully can be compromised. This can lead to misunderstandings, escalate conflict, and strain relationships. On the other hand, when we manage our emotions well, difficult conversations can foster better problem-solving, trust, and collaboration.
Recognizing the role emotions play in these conversations is the first step. Emotions aren’t inherently bad or something to suppress; instead, they need to be acknowledged and managed so they don’t derail the conversation. The goal isn’t to eliminate emotions, but to regulate them in a way that guides the conversation constructively.
As Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication, wisely said, “The most powerful thing we can offer one another is the willingness to listen, to truly listen to the other person’s feelings and needs.” By managing our emotions, we not only hear what’s being said, but also understand the feelings behind the words. This opens the door for resolving conflict without damaging relationships.
Before diving into a conversation, take a moment to check in with yourself. Are you feeling angry, anxious, or defensive? Being aware of your emotions is the first step in managing them. After all, it’s hard to manage what you don’t recognize.
In our Managing Emotions with Empathy training, we highlight the importance of self-awareness and how to become more self-aware throughout your day. It’s about noticing how you feel in the moment and understanding why. Recognizing emotional triggers helps you prepare for how they might influence the conversation.
Inclusivv Tip: Before your next tough conversation, pause for a few moments of self-reflection. Write down what you’re feeling and why. Is there something specific in the conversation that might trigger an emotional response? By acknowledging your emotions ahead of time, you can prevent them from taking over.
For example, let’s say you need to give feedback to a colleague, but past disagreements have left you feeling frustrated. Acknowledging this feeling helps you manage it better. You might tell yourself, “I’m feeling frustrated, but I’ll focus on the issue, not the past.” This simple recognition allows you to reset and respond more thoughtfully.
One of the most effective ways to manage emotions is to pause before responding. When emotions run high, it’s easy to react impulsively. Our brains often go into fight or flight mode leading to a heightened emotional state that clouds our perception of what’s really happening. But taking a moment to breathe and reflect can make all the difference.
Brené Brown often talks about the power of pausing, noting that “When we’re able to pause, take a breath, and sit with the discomfort, we have the ability to act in a more thoughtful, less reactive way.”
Taking this pause gives you space to process your emotions and plan your response. It allows you to avoid reacting from fear or defensiveness and move toward a calmer, more rational conversation.
For example, imagine you’re in a meeting and a colleague says something that rubs you the wrong way. Instead of firing back with a snarky remark, take a breath, collect your thoughts, and respond constructively: “I see your point, but here’s another way to look at it.” The pause helps you reset and respond thoughtfully.
Empathy means stepping into someone else’s shoes and understanding their feelings and needs. In difficult conversations, empathy can help reduce tension and make it easier to find common ground.
Marshall Rosenberg once said, “When we listen to the needs of others and express our own needs clearly, we can find solutions that work for everyone.”
When you empathize with someone’s feelings, you show them they’ve been heard and understood. This not only reduces defensiveness but also opens the door for collaboration.
Inclusivv Tip: Before responding, ask yourself: What might they be feeling right now? What do they need from me? This practice helps you understand their perspective and respond with more empathy.
For instance, if a colleague is upset about a missed deadline, rather than immediately defending yourself, you might say, “I understand that this delay is frustrating for you, and I see how it impacts the team. Let’s figure out how we can get back on track.” By acknowledging their feelings first, you show that you care, making it easier to work together.
In emotionally charged conversations, it’s easy to point fingers. However, doing so only escalates conflict. A simple but powerful technique is to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when I don’t get a chance to share my thoughts.”
Using “I” statements keeps the focus on your experience, not their actions. This approach helps prevent the conversation from becoming combative and ensures it stays focused on understanding and resolution.
During emotionally charged conversations, it’s easy to slip into personal attacks. However, staying focused on the issue, not the person, is key to keeping things productive.
At Inclusivv, we teach separating the person from the problem. Instead of saying, “You’re always late to meetings,” you could say, “It’s difficult to stay on schedule when meetings start late.”
This approach keeps the conversation focused on solving the issue, not blaming anyone. By sticking to the problem, you’ll have a much easier time working together to resolve it.
In tough conversations, finding common ground can create a sense of unity. When emotions are high, focusing on shared goals or values can bring both parties together.
For instance, if a colleague disagrees with your approach to a project, rather than fixating on the disagreement, try to focus on shared values, like a mutual desire for success or a common goal. As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.” By focusing on the connection between you and the other person, you can reduce tension and work together toward a solution.
Managing emotions during difficult conversations is essential for creating an environment of trust, respect, and collaboration. By practicing self-awareness, taking pauses, showing empathy, using “I” statements, focusing on the issue, and seeking common ground, we can turn challenging conversations into opportunities for growth and understanding.
At Inclusivv, we offer Managing Emotions with Empathy training to help organizations build emotional intelligence skills. Available both online and in-person, our training equips employees with the tools they need to navigate difficult conversations with empathy and understanding.
To help you continue building these skills, we’re offering a free workbook on Managing Emotions During Difficult Conversations at Work. This workbook pairs perfectly with our training and offers practical tips, exercises, and resources to guide you through emotional conversations.
Download your free workbook now.
By integrating emotional intelligence into your workplace culture, you’ll create an environment where everyone feels heard, respected, and valued, no matter how tough the conversation.